||[May. 18th, 2013|07:39 pm]
So Brooke found a cheap Nook on eBay and bought it for me. I don't know when it will get here, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm already in the process of converting some of the stuff I want to read, into PDF format for the Nook. And I'm looking for interesting free sample books.
Also, I'm planning on finding out, when it gets here, if it can read ebooks from the local public library. We shall see.
Oooh, according to the user guide, it does ePub and PDB formats, too.
Looking through the user guide, the Nook is basically a mini computer, complete with wifi capability. So some things I could read online. :-)
With this Nook, I will be able to get a lot of online stories read, that I haven't had time to read yet.
Edited to add: Also, I found out that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote science fiction. So I'm downloading as much of his scifi as I can.
This was cross-posted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1139612.html
You can comment either here or there.
|What is my mind trying to tell me when I sleep?
||[May. 18th, 2013|10:38 pm]
Last night, I two extremely vivid dreams. Both had lingering effects on how I've been feeling today.
My unconscious mind is trying to tell me something.
In the first one, I dreamt I was Pepper Potts, dealing with the typical Tony Stark bullshit in our relationship.
But my dream had taken place around the aftermath of Iron Man 3.
It wasn't bad, it was just...you know, Tony Stark stuff that he does that would piss Pepper off.
But he knew how to make up for it.
He was really sweet and I felt so incredibly lucky. I could tell that he really, really loved me, underneath all that rough seemingly bullshitty exterior.
Their seemingly happy new life together. I can't remember exactly what was happening, or what we fought about. But I remember the feeling of pure bliss I felt.
That this man who had everything, (money, fame, brains, charm, looks), and gave it all up for me.
That he loved me, and wanted the best for us.
When you have that, you will want for nothing.
I woke up, in the middle of the night, and upon realizing it was just a dream, I cried. I had felt insanely happy, I felt the joy she feels, their joy in their powerful bond of love. Real love.
Of course, I wake up and remembered that those characters aren't real, and that I am not Pepper. I'm not even a huge Iron Man fan, I don't have a crush on Robert Downey Jr, but maybe Iron Man 3 was on the brain.
I love what they have.
Maybe I just identify with it because so many guys have been giving me bullshit similar to Tony's, except it's just bullshit.
I guess I had that dream because...I just want someone to be real.
I want there to be some truth in all of this bullshit.
I am just sick of men thinking they're in love with me, lying to themselves, or lying to me.
Actions speak louder than words. (And no, not physical, romantic ones either.)
Talk is cheap. A kiss is cheap.
I mean real actions.
Like in how (***Iron Man 3 Spoiler alert*****) Tony gives up his suits so that he and Pepper can live a safer, happier, and more practical life. So that he can spare her of the danger he puts her through.
He's sparing her bullshit. Why?
Because he loves her so much, she's worth giving that up, even though it's been a huge part of who he is.
That's what love is.
Pepper Potts is a wonderful character. She is incredibly relatable to women like me. Why?
Because she is rare.
Apparently people like me are rare.
We are smart, down-to-earth, and caring. We have self respect, seeing through bullshit and not settling for less than what we deserve. We are ambitious and we really give it our all when a task is handed to us.
She is the very definition of a strong woman.
I know now that I am as well.
Men often want us, but they seldom deserve us.
I mean, Tony didn't really deserve Pepper until Iron Man 3.
He got pretty lucky in Iron Man 2, but because Pepper has a big heart, and a lot of patience. (Another characteristic we both have).
Too many people don't seem to realize that you only care for someone as far as you are willing to go for them.
So yeah...after waking up and feeling the initial depressed feeling when one realizes that their beautiful reality was merely a dream, I shed a few tears, and went back to sleep.
Another dream, another reality.
A friend of mine was missing. I think it was one of my old coworkers from my bar. A bunch of people I knew, friends and family were all staying in a big house on the shore of a great lake; I remember the weather was cloudy and rainy the entire time we were there.
We were seeking refuge from something. From what, I cannot remember. But we were looking for our lost friend.
All the while this was going on, there was a woman I had met whom I was vastly sexually attracted to. And she was the same to me.
It was odd, because I've never actually had a crush on a woman before. We had a lot of chemistry and I just wanted to be around her all the time. She expressed the same desire and I invited her to share my room with me.
Everyone told me what I was doing was wrong, not because she was a woman, but because I was apparently using her for selfish reasons.
They thought I was doing it out of rebellion. I wasn't sure if I was, I just wanted to be around her. I felt like she understood me in a way no man ever could, since so many have let me down. Sure, she couldn't give me the same things I want from a man, but I didn't care. It wasn't something I was even thinking too hard about in terms of what was to become of it - she made me feel understood and cared for, and I just wanted that.
But maybe they were right. Maybe I was using her for temporary gain. To temporarily fill the void that men have left.
I joked to my friends, "Haha, I guess Chad was right. Here I am on the brink of dating a woman because I am sick of men."
The doubts in my mind kept me from actually doing anything with this woman. But the desire was there. So was inner conflict if I was in it for the right reasons. Fuck it, I thought. I deserve a break.
Is this it?
Then I woke up.
Obviously, my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I know I have been feeling especially edgy this week and quick to feel frustrated with friends, particularly my male friends.
So...how do I fix this, whatever is bothering me?
|Plans for May 20th - May 26th
||[May. 19th, 2013|12:07 am]
Monday: Now that I think about it, I will probably be bored out of my mind, go for a walk or a bike ride or visit Amos Anderson Art Museum since it's the only museum that's open on Mondays.
Tuesday: Receive money and buy shit, and also an entrance exam to Keuda at 4 pm, the counselors from Laturi promised to take me there but now I can't help wondering how am I going to make it to Laturi when the buses are on strike. So, I have to take the M train to Helsinki and then the bus 611 to Simonkylä.
Wednesday: Receive even more money and buy shit, and also a therapist's appointment at 11:30. I will probably go shopping with routaneito and then go over to her house.
Thursday: Kierushka's birthday and an appointment in the rehab center with my own nurse.
Friday: My friend Neena will move out of Korso and she will hold a party to celebrate it, I will go there.
Saturday: I will go to Maailma Kylässä (roughly translated: the whole world in a single village) festival with Emmi. The festival is about different cultures to promote unity and world peace. If there is a concert in Horror Shop, I will go there too.
Sunday: The counselors from Laturi will come for a visit at ten in the morning. I will have the beautifying routine when taking a shower, visit my parents and probably do some housework.
||[May. 18th, 2013|11:42 pm]
I had a fancy dream; there were two new shops in Myyrmanni, one that sold clothes and equipment for people with sissification fetish, and another where they sold beds for a cheap prize. I couldn't decide whether I wanted one made of iron or one wooden bunk bed.
Sometimes I can't help wondering, where do dreams come from?
The morning was good, I had a wash, dressed up as a schoolgirl and went down the Kilter hill to Citymarket in Myyrmanni and bought two bars of Fazer chocolate and visited the library to return a book and a DVD.
Once home, I started with housework; I washed many loads of laundry, wiped the desks and tables clean and dusted my artifacts.
Later the day I went to Horror Shop, there was this band named Moottörin Jyrinä (probably poking fun at Motörhead) which makes heavy metal music for children. It was awesome.
I hung around downtown, visited Kamppi and Forum and the central railway station, bought a can of Estonian carrot juice and a bag of garlic- flavored crisps to silence my grumbling stomach.
I visited MicMac in Forum shopping center and found a lovely dark red lace dress, it wasn't too expensive at all so I decided to buy it on Wednesday.
Then I went to see Zombie Walk; kind of like Slutwalk, except you dress like a zombie and shuffle your way through downtown making zombie noises.
There were lots of zombies; housewife zombies, cheerleader zombies, nun zombies, nurse zombies, clown zombies, priest zombies, chef zombies, schoolgirl zombies, construction worker zombies, Super Mario zombies, plumber zombies, Valley Girl zombies, rockabilly zombies, Jesus zombies, married zombie couples and lots of little zombie children.
Sieni and her mother were there, including a shop assistant from Horror Shop. I had asked her to set aside some stuff I am going to buy the next time I receive money. They were the first album by the all- girl psychobilly band The Shrieks, a DVD with both the Human Centipede movies with Finnish subtitles, a slinky black dress and a punky shirt.
I tried to talk with the others and generally be sociable, but everyone just ignored me and soon I gave up because I felt like I was only annoying them.
The one thing I hate about being a bohemian rebel is that when I am with other bohemian rebels, I seem like a wannabe who desperately wants to mingle with the others. Gee, I am uncool among the most uncool of them all. I'm not even popular among the unpopular.
The zombies set off, shuffling their feet and moaning, groaning and roaring at deafening level. I had dabbed a few drops of fake blood on my chin and shuffled my feet and groaned, but I felt like an outsider. I felt like everyone else was having fun and the time of their lives, and I felt like a sweet pea planted in the middle of cacti, when usually it's the other way around.
I left and took the train to Malminkartano and walked home.
Once home, I washed the fake blood and black eyeliner off, washed some more loads of laundry, listened to the WWRY soundtrack, ate crisps and chocolate, decided to sleep in the buff because all my nightshirts are in the laundry basket and also made a mental note to prepare better for the Zombie Walk next year.
||[May. 18th, 2013|11:00 pm]
Я так, краем глаза, узрел Евровидение. Я так понимаю что это игра в поддавки, никому нахуй не нужно проводить у себя этот конкурс - профита с него никакого, особенно в Европе, где под это дело даже денег не сопрешь, а расходы таки да. Мне даже кажется что с некоторыми участниками, на родине, перед отъездом, проводят беседы на тему - выиграешь - будешь сам(а) платить за организацию конкурса на родине. И под финиш каждый участник думает - только бы не я, только бы не меня, а дома, злобное местное КГБ следит за ходом голосования и на всякий случай готовит дробилку для пальцев и иголки для ногтей. Хотя.. может и на самом деле участники хуевые.
||[May. 18th, 2013|10:50 pm]
0: Height 169 centimeters
1: Age: 24 years
2: Shoe size 40
3: Do you smoke? No I don't, and never will
4: Do you drink? I might drink a strawberry margarita or a white Russian at night clubs and such, because the aforementioned drinks don't have the taste of alcohol
5: Do you take drugs? No, but I would smoke cannabis if it was legal
6: Age you get mistaken for 16 years
7: Have tattoos? No
8: Want any tattoos? Yes, lots of them! Right after getting a job I will get them
9: Got any piercings? Yes, a ring on the right side of my nose and three piercings on each ear
10: Want any piercings? I have already got the piercings I want, I don't think I want more
11: Best friend? routaneito and Emmi
12: Relationship status Unicorn
13: Biggest turn ons Intelligence, sarcasm, sweetness
14: Biggest turn offs Selfishness
15: Favorite movie Ghost World
16: I’ll love you if... If what? I already love every single one of you!
17: Someone you miss Angel Lips
18: Most traumatic experience Suffering a psychosis when I was sexually harassed in August 2005
19: A fact about your personality I tend to be very bitter and jaded, but I thrive to live my life like Pippi Longstocking on acid
20: What I hate most about myself My self- hatred
21: What I love most about myself My childlike personality and my will to do good
22: What I want to be when I get older A librarian
23: My relationship with my sibling(s) I wish my big brother was nicer towards me
24: My relationship with my parent(s) I love them and they love me
25: My idea of a perfect date Visit to a pastry shop
26: My biggest pet peeves Too many of them
27: A description of the girl/boy I like A Scottish nigger
28: A description of the person I dislike the most No one
29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend I would write but I don't want to disappoint my friend
30: What I hate the most about work/school School: It starts too early, too much pressure, bullying and too much useless info Work: working my ass off to earn money to buy things doesn't seem to be the kind of lifestyle I thrive for
31: What my last text message says Um, can't remember
32: What words upset me the most Nice tits
33: What words make me feel the best about myself You deserve to be very happy
34: What I find attractive in women Everything
35: What I find attractive in men Sense of humor, sarcasm, gentleness
36: Where I would like to live An English- speaking country like Britain, Scotland, Ireland or Australia
37: One of my insecurities I like to talk to people, but even if I mean only good, I only piss everyone off
38: My childhood career choice A writer
39: My favorite ice cream flavor Ben & Jerry's half baked
40: Who I wish I could be Myself
41: Where I want to be right now Right here where I am
42: The last thing I ate A bag of garlic- flavored crisps
43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately Galileo Figaro
44: A random fact about anything Snakes are basically faces with tails
||[May. 18th, 2013|09:21 pm]
От адской влажности снова начали ржаветь струны. Слайднул и чуть пальцы себе не порезал. Всячески порицаю подобную влажность. И только укулеле похуй, потому что там нейлоновые струны стоят.
|My dream self is not logical
||[May. 18th, 2013|05:34 am]
My dream self is not logical. I had a dream I was in a movie theatre full of slightly homicidal spring breakers. I was more concerned with meeting up with my family then staying in my safe, not-be-trampled spot of safety.|
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